A conversation with myself in my period of wilderness some months ago...(Between my head and heart...Me Gaceri from Massachussets *wink*)
Head: Yoh G! Get a life, will yah?! How long will you hold on like this?
Heart: Sweetheart, don't give up just yet! Abba(God) keeps His promises.
Stupid Head: It will do you lots of good and save you buckets of tears if you stop whining like a baby and grow up! Where is this God now when you need Him the most? Huh?!
Sweet Heart: Baby girl, sweet cute cuppy cake...Your miracle is around the corner. Just a little more patience. He's faithful.
Very Stupid Head: C'mon wake up and smell the darn coffee! Why hasn't God shown up?
Very Sweet Heart: Darling, just a little bit longer....
I have the weirdest monologues I tell you. Growing up alone made me a serious nutcase. Describe me as an old soul but with the heart and voice of a child. I could even talk to a tree and when the wind moves its leaves then I know that the tree spoke to me! How cool(or rather seriously mental)! If it doesn't then it's probably giving me the silent treatment which I relate to as a female so I understand and move on to the girl in the mirror and give her lectures about her life; boys top that list!?(I know you're thinking I'm a crazy black woman) You see how twisted I can be? But whatevs...normal people suck anyway! Weird is absolutely healthy! Don't tell on me but I've named my laptop Emerald and my phone Gifta so that when they bring head with hanging 'manenos' then I can call them by their names and show my disappointment(I know they are machines but they are my babies too...Oh my Goodness!I am actually crazy). Before you roll your eyes at my alien uncouth behavior, let's get down to the business of the Lord!
Sabbaticals! Sigh! We all need sometime off to re-think, re-discover and chart new paths for the the voyage that is life. A renaissance of sorts. I want to really justify 3months absence from writing but my topic head sells it away! Sheesh! My creative genes are probably hidden under all this fat I've acquired from stress eating. Still, it was a sabbatical and oh yes! I'm so back and this blog that you take time to read is a way of sharing Jesus with you and remind each other that we are the cool ones...we that love Jesus and are not ashamed of Him. We may not be perfect but He loves us still...flaws and edges...dirty pasts and crazy personalities...Jesus is for us; The Good kind of misfits.
So what happens when you are the person that gives hope and yet you are the one in need of it most? When you literally hit rock bottom and you sink and you lose sight of the shore? When Up is really upside down.The sun ain't rising in your own little world but man it looks brighter in someone else's backyard, it's even burning them;the brightness of it is enough to take you back to your house because you can't take the intensity. Hope, a mirage. Happiness, a myth. Smiles, that's history to you. It's not your fault but the voices in your head hit hard like a wrecking ball screaming...''If you did this then that wouldn't happen....if only you were smarter, more daunting, hotter, more skilled, richer, handsome, networked''....So is the reality of life. The enemy magnifies our weaknesses and invents faults we have not and puts them in our brains on replay so that we can remain miserable and give up on God.
I googled signs of depression in the last four months and honey I qualified the test. It was so bad such that my amazing mother who's a counseling psychologist told me that she couldn't handle me because she wouldn't know how to help her daughter without getting all mushy and emotional but she'd get me help. I understood her because I too didn't want help. I was comfortable in my misery; failed dreams, career epic fails, another failed relationship, freakazoid exes, strained friendships, repetitive sins, crazy addictions....Weirdly, I found bliss where I pitched my pity-party tent. It was okay to just grow fat as a potato couch and blame God for all this! My laziness did not allow me to make any effort to even pray. I felt defeated.
Let's get blunt now, aye darling? The problem is not that we have problems; it's that we get comfortable in them. Maybe the implicit bias in your head is...but don't people run to God when they have issues? Typical human behavior depicts that we humans do that but we use other people to get to God....the more serious ones in prayer, the pastor, Sister Grace and Brother Joseph with the Holy demeanor and pray the loudest...the ones whom God would hear faster. The true soldiers. Why? Because we feel the need and ease to pass on our prayer items to them. If we chose to trust God fully with our issues then we know He requires total patience, tolerance and long suffering which we are not suited for because our systems demand instant gratification so in the end we push God away and try to fix things our way by forcing blessings into being WHILE still asking the intercessors...''hey! I hope you are still praying for my problems to go away!''
Don't get me wrong, I concur with Paul in the epistles that we should be in fellowship with people and pray for each other; that is not debatable but the attitude that...''Ah! As long as they are praying then I don't have to!'' is the virus.
This was a tough lesson for me one night when I chose to just sit in the Lord's presence and cry. At 3am sobbing like a two year old wondering why I'm listening to Britt Nicole's, you are the God you say you are. God is not a respecter of persons and trust me even the strongest Christians go through hard times; it's life to have some really rough patches and unfortunately I realized that at that moment in my life, I was the seed that fell on rocky ground- Matthew 13:5
FINDING DEEPER REST
I finally kept quiet that night and reached for my bible that was on the table and guess where i landed?! Job 33:13-14...why do you accuse God of never answering a man's complaints? Although God speaks again and again, no one pays attention to what He says...
This time I shut up foreal yoh 'coz I knew the King had just dropped one on me man! I was hoping for a Jeremiah 29;11 kind of landing BUT I got one that pricked my little pity bubble. I wasn't listening enough to Him because I was lost in my own labyrinth...a cauldron of nagging. I needed to listen more and speak less. Read more of his word and trust less the words of my well wishers. I listened and boy did I hear his voice! In one hour, I was crazy dancing to all of kelele takatifu's songs(Gawsh! they are so freaking amazing...nmeokoka na inanibamba mbaya). No, my problems didn't go away the next day darling or the next but I had listened and He told me...Rest, I got this child!
This post is not meant to give you a genie-in-the-bottle solution to your 99 problems( coz Jesus ain't one) but it's from a sister to you to ask you to stop and listen to your Father! You find rest in surrender. Stop complaining about what's not right in your life and give thanks for that which is functioning! Get on your knees and seek God's heart before you do His Hands. Rest does not come with riding on sunshine with a life devoid of problems. Its not the calm picture of a still river; neither is it having every dream come true. Rest is indestructible peace-John 14:27, one with the attitude of you know who formed you and you are okay with His plan for your life.
Do you seek deeper-rest from your depressed condition? Open and read your bible honey! That is How He speaks to you. Invite the Holy-spirit in your life and see how He'll revolutionize your whole mindset.Dig deep and lean not on your own understanding for it will fail you! You may be Lil Mr.Einstein but not even the highest IQ can equate to the kind of wisdom and knowledge the bible pours into you. Invest in it with a holy desperation, time, zeal and passion and you'll see that when The oceans rise and thunder fall, your heart will be still and know that He is God! Don't allow yourself to forget that Your Father is King of the world.
When I began to listen more, my situations started to change and when He says He's working it for your good then believe it because God is not a man that He should lie. In the end, it will all work out so Rest Darling And Hit that floor to pray!
I Love you for being here to read this. God is way crazy about you and He wants you to transition from depression to deeper-rest and all you have to do is Listen. Mad Love for yah! Stay cool yoh!
Keep smiling. You matter to Jesus and to me!
Be bold. Be Dauntless. Be you.